Wow, life is complex! I keep telling myself I need to simplify my life. I keep telling myself I want a simple life but evidently I really don’t. Selling our home. Returning to school. I’m a complex person with too much baggage to check at the curb. I never seem to feel one definitive way about anything anymore. In truth, I normally feel conflicted. Often simultaneously bombarded by opposing feelings and thoughts.
Why do I feel alone when I’m surrounded by so many amazing people? I enjoy people. I love my friends but I also feel most alone when I’m in a large group. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I try to be present in any conversation I have. Could it be that in a large group my mindfulness wanders? I begin to drift into the past or the future. I think about who I was and how different my current selves are to him. I leave the moment and disappear, alone into an abyss of inward thought. Only brought back to the present by the engagement and in-depth conversation with an individual.
How can one feel confident yet insecure, excitement together with trepidation or (my personal favourite) happiness tethered to sadness? It’s not that I can’t articulate how I feel. Very much the opposite! I would argue that my 20 year old self didn’t embrace all of these feelings. Whereas now, I’m willing to entertain that a sunset can bring about a joyful sadness, that needs to be embraced for the beautiful moment that it is.
Photo by Michael Brunt